Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I Hope You're Happy

Life is about learning lessons, sometimes very painful ones, and when I think about my past – a past I might be forced to confront soon enough – I realize one thing:

I want you to be happy. 

I want you to be happy because everyone deserves to be happy. I don’t want to be attached to you anymore. I don’t want to feel anger or bitterness or resentment. I want you to be happy, even if I have to remind myself every day. I want you to be happy, even if I’m not ready to run into you on the street. I want you to be happy, even if our relationship should have been better, should have been different, should have been happier. I want you to be happy because we both experienced pain, because we both searched for something, because at one point I loved you (and your happiness shouldn't hinge on whether or not I’m a part of it). 

I want to be a better person; I don’t want to fill my heart with hate. I don’t want our past, our once upon a time, to be stained by hurt. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of gnawing on my resentment, of finding strength in my weakness. I want to remember that there was a time in my life when all I wanted was for you to be happy. You're a part of a world I absolutely adore and I want you to be happy in it.

It’s not even about forgiveness – the only person I had to forgive was myself. It’s about the fact that holding onto the past, dwelling on things I can't change, isn't the way I want to spend my time. You taught me a lot of things, a lot of important things; you helped me become the person I am today (and I love the person I am today – the person I am today is happy). And maybe some days it’ll be a struggle to know I’ll see you everywhere I go, but it’s not about you. It’s about me (and the ‘me’ I am today wants you to be happy).

Thank you - for everything, for all of it - there was a time our paths were entwined, a time our happiness merged; and just because our paths changed doesn't mean the direction of our happiness needs to.

I hope you’re happy.