1. Ringtones:
Yes, my ringtone is a child’s laughter. No, I do not have children – what's your problem?
2. Bad carpentry:
I regularly walk into my kitchen to find every cabinet and drawer hanging open. Calm down, it's not Sixth Sense, it's just that nothing in my house was built at a ninety-degree angle.
3. Giving candy to random children:
It's honestly the only way to get them to leave. I regret nothing.
4. Taking selfies with random children:
No, I don't know this child; yes, I just gave him candy. NEW PROFILE PICTURE!!!
5. Carrying a large wooden penis and several condoms, just in case:
What?
6. Children at the windows:
Oh, no - the children found us. Quickly, everyone hide! Shhhhhh ...
7. People knocking at the door:
And following up with a peep at the window.
8. That one dude calling ten times in a row from three different phone numbers:
Ignore my phone call, will you? I'll show you.
9. The number of white people who can and will be randomly directed to your door:
Oh, hello, person – they must think we know each other … well, come in for some tea, at least.
10. Latrines:
Do you need an explanation?
11. Remote locations:
Just walked through the bush, alone, for fifteen minutes. Yeah, keep going. My house is down that abandoned stretch of road just to your left.
12. Discussing disgusting bodily functions:
At the dinner table. At any table, really.
13. Hanging out in the dark:
Sorry, man ... I guess I forgot to buy candles at the market today.
15. That one bank teller calling for a random chat:
You didn't mean to give me your number? But you wrote it - right there - on the deposit slip where it requires a phone number (awkward pause) I'm confused.
16. A marriage proposal within thirty seconds of introduction:
Names? Who needs names with a love this strong?
17. When a stranger asks how you ‘maintain’ yourself:
What they mean to ask is how often you have sex.
18. Stealing babies:
Oh my. He is just adorable! Let me just take him over here and play with him for four hours.
19. Spiders:
Oh, I almost forgot! Meet my new roommate! I named him Chester … he’s kind of anti-social, but I like him.
20. Hearing something scurry across the ceiling:
Well, well, well. Sounds like SOMEONE's been having babies up there!
21. Owning a dozen cats:
Look, I'm not going to sit here and justify my loneliness to you.
22. Gnawing on bones, eyeballs, or any other choice organs of an animal:
I have to get my calcium somewhere. *gnaw gnaw gnaw*
23. Adult-sized bunk beds:
It's like going to band camp with mosquito nets at 35 years old!
24. Constant physical contact:
Oh hello, friend. I haven't been in contact with another American for at least three weeks. So, basically, I plan on spending the next 24 hours physically attached to you. No, I'm not going to wait for your permission. You smell delicious ...
25. Murdering tonight's dinner:
I’m not talking about guns, either. I’m talking about killing that chicken with your own rusted kitchen knife. LIKE A BOSS.
26. Posting pictures of boils and/or any other puss-filled, disgusting infection on the internet:
Why else do you think I have a Facebook account? Look! I named him Hubert!
27. Staring hungrily at other people's packages:
What ... what is it, precious?!?!
28. Stalking the receiver of said package to wherever they plan on opening it:
Oh, hey. I spotted you from across the room. And I'm just going to stand here, awkwardly, until I witness every item pulled out of that box.
29. Bucket bathing together:
You know what sounds romantic right now? Squatting over a bucket of water with you. Oh yeah.
30. My current relationship with food:
Oh, wait. Thanks to Pinterest, that's completely normal now.
xx
Yes, my ringtone is a child’s laughter. No, I do not have children – what's your problem?
2. Bad carpentry:
I regularly walk into my kitchen to find every cabinet and drawer hanging open. Calm down, it's not Sixth Sense, it's just that nothing in my house was built at a ninety-degree angle.
3. Giving candy to random children:
It's honestly the only way to get them to leave. I regret nothing.
4. Taking selfies with random children:
No, I don't know this child; yes, I just gave him candy. NEW PROFILE PICTURE!!!
5. Carrying a large wooden penis and several condoms, just in case:
What?
6. Children at the windows:
Oh, no - the children found us. Quickly, everyone hide! Shhhhhh ...
7. People knocking at the door:
And following up with a peep at the window.
8. That one dude calling ten times in a row from three different phone numbers:
Ignore my phone call, will you? I'll show you.
9. The number of white people who can and will be randomly directed to your door:
Oh, hello, person – they must think we know each other … well, come in for some tea, at least.
10. Latrines:
Do you need an explanation?
11. Remote locations:
Just walked through the bush, alone, for fifteen minutes. Yeah, keep going. My house is down that abandoned stretch of road just to your left.
12. Discussing disgusting bodily functions:
At the dinner table. At any table, really.
13. Hanging out in the dark:
Sorry, man ... I guess I forgot to buy candles at the market today.
15. That one bank teller calling for a random chat:
You didn't mean to give me your number? But you wrote it - right there - on the deposit slip where it requires a phone number (awkward pause) I'm confused.
16. A marriage proposal within thirty seconds of introduction:
Names? Who needs names with a love this strong?
17. When a stranger asks how you ‘maintain’ yourself:
What they mean to ask is how often you have sex.
18. Stealing babies:
Oh my. He is just adorable! Let me just take him over here and play with him for four hours.
19. Spiders:
Oh, I almost forgot! Meet my new roommate! I named him Chester … he’s kind of anti-social, but I like him.
20. Hearing something scurry across the ceiling:
Well, well, well. Sounds like SOMEONE's been having babies up there!
21. Owning a dozen cats:
Look, I'm not going to sit here and justify my loneliness to you.
22. Gnawing on bones, eyeballs, or any other choice organs of an animal:
I have to get my calcium somewhere. *gnaw gnaw gnaw*
23. Adult-sized bunk beds:
It's like going to band camp with mosquito nets at 35 years old!
24. Constant physical contact:
Oh hello, friend. I haven't been in contact with another American for at least three weeks. So, basically, I plan on spending the next 24 hours physically attached to you. No, I'm not going to wait for your permission. You smell delicious ...
25. Murdering tonight's dinner:
I’m not talking about guns, either. I’m talking about killing that chicken with your own rusted kitchen knife. LIKE A BOSS.
26. Posting pictures of boils and/or any other puss-filled, disgusting infection on the internet:
Why else do you think I have a Facebook account? Look! I named him Hubert!
27. Staring hungrily at other people's packages:
What ... what is it, precious?!?!
28. Stalking the receiver of said package to wherever they plan on opening it:
Oh, hey. I spotted you from across the room. And I'm just going to stand here, awkwardly, until I witness every item pulled out of that box.
29. Bucket bathing together:
You know what sounds romantic right now? Squatting over a bucket of water with you. Oh yeah.
30. My current relationship with food:
Oh, wait. Thanks to Pinterest, that's completely normal now.
xx
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