Brace yourselves, ladies.
There's a new revolution on the horizon and it has nothing to do with, well, anything, really ... (unless you go 'gooey' for machismo and a fashion sense like Frank Sinatra). What is this new movement, you ask? The 'Retro-sexual' Movement. Yep. RETROSEXUALITY.
Gone are the days of eyebrow waxing and monthly mani/pedi appointments for your well-groomed man-friend! The day of sissy-boys is officially over! There is a retro 'manly-man' revolution occuring right under our noses! The kind you would only find on an episode of MadMen.
As per a professor, who's begun 'Male Studies' classes on his campus, our society has been reprogramming its men to be less 'manly.' Speaking with a CNN correspondent yesterday, he frankly told her that drugs like Ridalin are "turning [boys] into girls."
As I sat there (casually wondering what Ridalin turns girls into), I was fairly certain that this man's idea of masculinity resembled something hairy and gorilla-like, frantically pounding it's chest whenever other hairy, gorilla-like creatures drew near ... you know, obnoxious. I have to admit, I was rather amused - I mean, it's not exactly the most original idea, but who am I to deny a revolution the kind of spotlight it deserves?!
As I sat there (casually wondering what Ridalin turns girls into), I was fairly certain that this man's idea of masculinity resembled something hairy and gorilla-like, frantically pounding it's chest whenever other hairy, gorilla-like creatures drew near ... you know, obnoxious. I have to admit, I was rather amused - I mean, it's not exactly the most original idea, but who am I to deny a revolution the kind of spotlight it deserves?!
So, in the spirit of friendship (of the chest-beating capacity) and only slight jest, I've come up with a few 'retro-sexual' rules for the New-Age Manly-Man:
1.) 'Real' men are no longer allowed to own automatic vehicles.
Retrosexuals drive their cars, the cars do not drive them.
Retrosexuals drive their cars, the cars do not drive them.
2.) In the event of an altercation, the only term to be used is fisticuffs; also, 'real' mean do not start fights at any given time, they kindly invite enemies to another location (to avoid inevitable fainting spells in creatures of the female persuasion).
3.) If injury should occur, only slabs of meat are to be used against the skin.
Retrosexuals wear 'black-and-blue,' and pull it off flawlessly.
Retrosexuals wear 'black-and-blue,' and pull it off flawlessly.
4.) Women are not permitted to speak, unless spoken to, in the presence of a 'real' man.
Retrosexuals will not be emasculated by anyone with a vagina. Not even mother.
Retrosexuals will not be emasculated by anyone with a vagina. Not even mother.
5.) 'Secretary' is not a real job. Secretaries are ladies 'real' mean hire to sleep with. When they're bored.
Retrosexuals play golf and have affairs with office workers, they do not 'work.'
Retrosexuals play golf and have affairs with office workers, they do not 'work.'
6.) There is to be absolutely no 'going downtown.' Not even on special occasions. She, however, can 'go downtown' whenever she wants. Which is to say, when he wants.
Retrosexuals do not serve you.
Retrosexuals do not serve you.
xx
It is strange that this is the issue that you find yourself fretting about, the slow deterioration of the commonly used definition of ‘mantastic,’ or in retro-sexual ‘masculine’ identities in our culture. I would have assumed that blatant absurdity in the Doctors words would have been a self declared victory for your constituency. Yet you have in jest taken up arms against the idea of a gender identification that has stood the test of time, and then flaunt a return to an even more differentiated society. I on the other hand find great error and fault in the poor Doctors logic as well as his science, rendering his entire argument defunct, though in the greater context of the loss of gender roles in a world without glass ceilings, believe his point is valid. In fact I would go so far as to use another sexist term to describe the current cultural crisis the US finds itself in today “pussification.” Though to those that love everyone (as do I, for I am a big believer in flirting with a new person everyday) they will find my comment offensive and unenlightened, I would tell you that I am the exact opposite. And to quote a very masculine movie “A Few Good Men,” though their “existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you,” is probably better for America that still prides itself on a frontiersman attitude. As we slowly change the rules of various games so that everyone can be a winner, as we slowly take consequences out of our actions, as we teach our youth that striving to be better, more successful is no longer appropriate, when we fail to teach our youth that violence is not only occasionally appropriate but necessary, we will degrade our American ideal and capability we will lose the strength and stead fast resolve of our for fathers that was able to wipe the Indians off of the continent to make room for the white settlers and their black helpers. True, how much nicer it would be to live in a nation where all men and women are respectful of each other, and everyone takes the time for proper hygiene and marriages last until eternity. That the answer to conflict and competition is a healthy well done to those who succeed, and a helping hand to those who did not. This would be a utopia one could only dream of, until of course the legislature of the United States makes the national language Spanish and our multicultural acceptance becomes the home of Allah and schools mandate prayer five times a day. For without the hard ass, the fighters, the knuckle-draggers, multiculturalism and niceties will become someone else’s culture and someone else’s boot on our neck. So again, though said in jest this Retro Sexual movement though unpalatable to bleeding hearts will potentially extend the existence of the American Imperium for another hundred years.
ReplyDelete